Sometimes, you have no one to listen to you and you need a hug.. but here's what happens...
You try to post on Facebook to see if someone can help you.. but nobody has time. You look at your life and cry.. I have maybe 4 friends at the max, and the rest are only friends when they need something. Isn't that how it is for everyone?
Hi I'm 39, living at home with my mother who I try to care for, she has brain cancer, and seizures. When she gets stressed or scared she starts seizing. She just had 2 tonight, more than usual. she is scared about my vacation.. I will be gone for a week, and she will have to stay over with her 91 year old mother, who is not as good as she once was, but is as good as she'll ever be.
So I tried to ask some people I thought were friends, and some family, on Facebook, to see if they could find time in their busy weeks to stop in and check on mom and grandma. Nope.. not one of them. Fuck you all.
You will get the same back to you if you ever need help, I never forget and it takes a lot for me to forgive you.
Also, I have had this trip planned for .. oh say.. about a year. My ever loving (this is dripping with sarcasm) sister, mom's only other child, planned her wedding for the exact time I am gone. Well fuck you very much. I hate him anyway. And you aren't that much higher on the list. So anyway, she has no fucking time to take care of her mom while I am gone. I take care of her 24/7 and this will be the only vacation I get. She is very emotionally fragile due to a brain tumor in the frontal lobe, partially taken out by the drs in Bismarck. It made her feelings very very touchy. I walk on fucking eggshells some times. I must say I really did appreciate it last time mom was in hosp in Bismarck (January of this year) my sister stayed with her for a week. Thanks sis. (Droll dry look follows) BUT My sister from my father, Jomi, and her husband Lee, called me to ask if Mom and I would like to move up to Alaska, where they live, so she could help me take care of her, Lee would be happy to let mom live there, and wants so much to get to know us both more. He lived here in Lemmon at one time. Jomarie is my half sister on dad's side. Dad is passed away, 3 years ago now, I miss him more every day. So does mom. IDK.. I hate that mom suffers so from the tumor and seizures.. It's hard to watch. CANCER FUCKING SUCKS!!'
Anyway.. My emotional state isn't much good anymore, having depression, cutting myself to try to feel better, (never works) and panic attacks.. Life fucking sucks. My only joys are my nieces and nephews, and my siblings, my cat and friends. I have attempted (sorrowfully) drinking myself to death.. didn't work obvs.. and tried cutting to relieve stress.. works but it's ugly.
As I sit here, sipping on a glass of Kracken Rum, tears run down my face. I feel like the mother in this relationship, watching my sweet loving mom become more and more unable to survive. Our everyday life has become a sad sad deal. Up at 9, if it's a pt day we run there, get it done, I cook the same thing almost daily for her, as I suck at cooking, and she only likes certain things anymore. I know if I wanna die, she must be there too. I don't resent doing this.. I have no ability to work to make money, hell I can barely do what I do daily anyway. About 3 weeks ago I tried quitting my pain killers, but no.. I was in so much pain I couldn't function. Truthfully, If I heard that the Yellowstone caldera was going to blow, I would go lay out in the front yard, drink a jug of rum, and welcome the lava and stoning. Life has become a resentment. I resent my folks for having me. I resent my strong will for keeping me alive in this shit hole town and shit hole life. I resent myself for fucking up my relationship with Michael, and every night I cry, wishing I was in his arms. I resent my life for everything.. the only positivity I can find in my life are the animals around me, and my wonderful nephew Joshua, my son. He is one of the only reasons I am still alive.
I remember Kenna told me about her dr saying she should blog to get out that negativity in her life.. so I am starting up again.. but probably will never see it again. Doubt I will feel like writing that often,but then again, I got a new laptop (my old piece of shit one was from Jerry Ericsson.. my uncle (I wish I didn't know him) (his daughter is the only good thing about him.) Jerry thinks we live in the1940's, where women were just scum, and men were the only thing that could make a decision or speak. He has such a fucked up life. I guess it screwed with him seeing grandma fucking Gerome Hellman when he was a beat cop.. and seeing a friend blow his head off. And vietnam. but JEsus fucking Christ Jerry, get your fucking head out of your ass and look at the fucking calendar, you Trump ass kissing male chauvinist pig! He believes women should be seen and not heard, we have no brain of our own, and that we should blow him as often as he can get his fucking dick up. That women are nothing but the chewed gum on the bottom of his shoe scraped off when found. He thinks everything we touch we break (HERE"S FUCKING NEWS JERRY! YOUR COMPUTERS FUCKING SUCK. yOU ARE NOT THE BEST THING SINCE FUCKING ANHYTHI! FUCK YOU YOU ABUSIVE MOTHER FUCKING PIECE OF SHIT! Even my own father, who is dead, feels bad for Jerry's kids! He has taken on spending time with my cousin Jo, as her father treats her like the mistake he must think she is. She has so many health problems, she applied for disability, but Jerry steered her wrong on it and then when she was turned down 2x he said well you ain't getting it so go fuck yourself. Not really quite like that but I have NO love for that man. IDK what happened to him. HE's scum of the earth, like Jerry says, Scum,so low even the wale shit is above it. There you go..
anyway.. I can sit here and cry, sit here and bitch on my blog, but it does no good except venting. The psych person I visited with said i was nuts too, because Ghosts don't exist, once you die you are gone forever.. Goddess I wish!
And there's this part of me, that wants to tell everyone what I feel, what I am. I'm a PAGAN WITCH, with NO love for Christian church.. it's pretty much Catholic, OOH the Debil is gunna get you, you better turn your money and belongings, home and everything over to us, then you can be a beggar on the street and freeze to death, because God hates you. Blech. That and Have you ever thought about it.. the devil.. hell.. it's all fucking made up to scare you into coming back to church so you are saved. FUCK THEM ALL!
I just wanna die. Seriously.. I hurt so fucking bad every day, will never make anything of myself. Cannot make any money on the side so I can pay off my fucking bills. Am allergic to every fucking thing known to man and am expected to be fucking happy go lucky when all I wanna do is either shoot myself in the head and blow it all over the trees, or watch the world blow up. No, I will not do it.. but I get that little corner of my brain saying, You fucked it up Joanie, you can't go back and do things again. Michael hates you, so does your family, so go jump off a fucking cliff. I wanna.. but not till mom and grandma are gone. My cousin Jo wants to do a drive around thing after all the family is gone here, drive all over the country, see the nation, but neither of us has enough money to get a motorhome, and neither of us is in good enough shape to drive it.. neither of us is emotionally stable either, because both of us grew up in manipulative abusive families. I wes even sexually abused by a fucking boyfriend of my moms.. fun shit. So if I come across as cold and emotionally distant, or ifyou are lucky and get to see my mask, the happy love everyone mask.. lucky you .. .
Well thought maybe I wouild feel better if I did this, but Ihave not drank enough rum for that. I am about ready to cast a spell.. maybe one for sleep and for peace of heart and mind. maybe one for mom's cancer to dissapear..yah right. maybe one that life can skip ahead when everyone else is gone and I can finally die.
Yeah.. just slashed on my wrists again.. it kind of helped. Is it wrong if I wish mom could pass so she didn't have to have this fucking cancer?
Feel some better now that I cut on myself. IDK.. Why does it help.. it just feels good to stab a bit with my knife and see that blood.. maybe it reminds me I'm still human. IDK
Fuck life, fuck death, fuck it all.
God I miss Michael.
Gyp
Hi I'm 39, living at home with my mother who I try to care for, she has brain cancer, and seizures. When she gets stressed or scared she starts seizing. She just had 2 tonight, more than usual. she is scared about my vacation.. I will be gone for a week, and she will have to stay over with her 91 year old mother, who is not as good as she once was, but is as good as she'll ever be.
So I tried to ask some people I thought were friends, and some family, on Facebook, to see if they could find time in their busy weeks to stop in and check on mom and grandma. Nope.. not one of them. Fuck you all.
You will get the same back to you if you ever need help, I never forget and it takes a lot for me to forgive you.
Also, I have had this trip planned for .. oh say.. about a year. My ever loving (this is dripping with sarcasm) sister, mom's only other child, planned her wedding for the exact time I am gone. Well fuck you very much. I hate him anyway. And you aren't that much higher on the list. So anyway, she has no fucking time to take care of her mom while I am gone. I take care of her 24/7 and this will be the only vacation I get. She is very emotionally fragile due to a brain tumor in the frontal lobe, partially taken out by the drs in Bismarck. It made her feelings very very touchy. I walk on fucking eggshells some times. I must say I really did appreciate it last time mom was in hosp in Bismarck (January of this year) my sister stayed with her for a week. Thanks sis. (Droll dry look follows) BUT My sister from my father, Jomi, and her husband Lee, called me to ask if Mom and I would like to move up to Alaska, where they live, so she could help me take care of her, Lee would be happy to let mom live there, and wants so much to get to know us both more. He lived here in Lemmon at one time. Jomarie is my half sister on dad's side. Dad is passed away, 3 years ago now, I miss him more every day. So does mom. IDK.. I hate that mom suffers so from the tumor and seizures.. It's hard to watch. CANCER FUCKING SUCKS!!'
Anyway.. My emotional state isn't much good anymore, having depression, cutting myself to try to feel better, (never works) and panic attacks.. Life fucking sucks. My only joys are my nieces and nephews, and my siblings, my cat and friends. I have attempted (sorrowfully) drinking myself to death.. didn't work obvs.. and tried cutting to relieve stress.. works but it's ugly.
As I sit here, sipping on a glass of Kracken Rum, tears run down my face. I feel like the mother in this relationship, watching my sweet loving mom become more and more unable to survive. Our everyday life has become a sad sad deal. Up at 9, if it's a pt day we run there, get it done, I cook the same thing almost daily for her, as I suck at cooking, and she only likes certain things anymore. I know if I wanna die, she must be there too. I don't resent doing this.. I have no ability to work to make money, hell I can barely do what I do daily anyway. About 3 weeks ago I tried quitting my pain killers, but no.. I was in so much pain I couldn't function. Truthfully, If I heard that the Yellowstone caldera was going to blow, I would go lay out in the front yard, drink a jug of rum, and welcome the lava and stoning. Life has become a resentment. I resent my folks for having me. I resent my strong will for keeping me alive in this shit hole town and shit hole life. I resent myself for fucking up my relationship with Michael, and every night I cry, wishing I was in his arms. I resent my life for everything.. the only positivity I can find in my life are the animals around me, and my wonderful nephew Joshua, my son. He is one of the only reasons I am still alive.
I remember Kenna told me about her dr saying she should blog to get out that negativity in her life.. so I am starting up again.. but probably will never see it again. Doubt I will feel like writing that often,but then again, I got a new laptop (my old piece of shit one was from Jerry Ericsson.. my uncle (I wish I didn't know him) (his daughter is the only good thing about him.) Jerry thinks we live in the1940's, where women were just scum, and men were the only thing that could make a decision or speak. He has such a fucked up life. I guess it screwed with him seeing grandma fucking Gerome Hellman when he was a beat cop.. and seeing a friend blow his head off. And vietnam. but JEsus fucking Christ Jerry, get your fucking head out of your ass and look at the fucking calendar, you Trump ass kissing male chauvinist pig! He believes women should be seen and not heard, we have no brain of our own, and that we should blow him as often as he can get his fucking dick up. That women are nothing but the chewed gum on the bottom of his shoe scraped off when found. He thinks everything we touch we break (HERE"S FUCKING NEWS JERRY! YOUR COMPUTERS FUCKING SUCK. yOU ARE NOT THE BEST THING SINCE FUCKING ANHYTHI! FUCK YOU YOU ABUSIVE MOTHER FUCKING PIECE OF SHIT! Even my own father, who is dead, feels bad for Jerry's kids! He has taken on spending time with my cousin Jo, as her father treats her like the mistake he must think she is. She has so many health problems, she applied for disability, but Jerry steered her wrong on it and then when she was turned down 2x he said well you ain't getting it so go fuck yourself. Not really quite like that but I have NO love for that man. IDK what happened to him. HE's scum of the earth, like Jerry says, Scum,so low even the wale shit is above it. There you go..
anyway.. I can sit here and cry, sit here and bitch on my blog, but it does no good except venting. The psych person I visited with said i was nuts too, because Ghosts don't exist, once you die you are gone forever.. Goddess I wish!
And there's this part of me, that wants to tell everyone what I feel, what I am. I'm a PAGAN WITCH, with NO love for Christian church.. it's pretty much Catholic, OOH the Debil is gunna get you, you better turn your money and belongings, home and everything over to us, then you can be a beggar on the street and freeze to death, because God hates you. Blech. That and Have you ever thought about it.. the devil.. hell.. it's all fucking made up to scare you into coming back to church so you are saved. FUCK THEM ALL!
I just wanna die. Seriously.. I hurt so fucking bad every day, will never make anything of myself. Cannot make any money on the side so I can pay off my fucking bills. Am allergic to every fucking thing known to man and am expected to be fucking happy go lucky when all I wanna do is either shoot myself in the head and blow it all over the trees, or watch the world blow up. No, I will not do it.. but I get that little corner of my brain saying, You fucked it up Joanie, you can't go back and do things again. Michael hates you, so does your family, so go jump off a fucking cliff. I wanna.. but not till mom and grandma are gone. My cousin Jo wants to do a drive around thing after all the family is gone here, drive all over the country, see the nation, but neither of us has enough money to get a motorhome, and neither of us is in good enough shape to drive it.. neither of us is emotionally stable either, because both of us grew up in manipulative abusive families. I wes even sexually abused by a fucking boyfriend of my moms.. fun shit. So if I come across as cold and emotionally distant, or ifyou are lucky and get to see my mask, the happy love everyone mask.. lucky you .. .
Well thought maybe I wouild feel better if I did this, but Ihave not drank enough rum for that. I am about ready to cast a spell.. maybe one for sleep and for peace of heart and mind. maybe one for mom's cancer to dissapear..yah right. maybe one that life can skip ahead when everyone else is gone and I can finally die.
Yeah.. just slashed on my wrists again.. it kind of helped. Is it wrong if I wish mom could pass so she didn't have to have this fucking cancer?
Feel some better now that I cut on myself. IDK.. Why does it help.. it just feels good to stab a bit with my knife and see that blood.. maybe it reminds me I'm still human. IDK
Fuck life, fuck death, fuck it all.
God I miss Michael.
Gyp
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